a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
