my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
