When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
where are you?
Hypothermia
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
