Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
