why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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