Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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