Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
