Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
