those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
