I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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