Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
