I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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