I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
