so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
