Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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