Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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