Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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