I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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