I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sext me about skeletons
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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