I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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