Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
