we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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