When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
