I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
