If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
