just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
