the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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