the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i now understand why vodka
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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