So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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