I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
