One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My legs feel like baby dolphins
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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