i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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