I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
