im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
