I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
