his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
