i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
