Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
