Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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