masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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