Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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