it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
