dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
