I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
