dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you win again, gameday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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