Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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