True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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