if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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