Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
