Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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