Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
