I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
