i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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